A WORD from CHRISTAL

by Christal Jordan-Mims

While rap music is often a source of embarresment and disrespect towards the female gender, occasionally there are rare gems amongst the mysoginistic fray. While Gucci Mane chants “Beat her like a dog” his much more talented and sophisticated peer Jay Z did an intro for a song on Usher’s last album entitled “The Best Thing.” If you haven’t heard the record, basically Usher and Jay Z

team up to talk about how their new brides are the best thing that ever happened to them. In Usher’s case….well never mind. There is a line in Jay Z’s intro that fascinates me. “Wrapped around all girls like pashminas, back then was my demeanor, the grass is always greener, I couldn’t give a f*ck, how could I give a finger?”

It’s a very simple line, but don’t miss its depth. “Back then I didn’t give a f*ck, how could I give a finger (in marriage)?” When I was a little girl my mother would always tell me, “Christal listen to what a man says. Watch his actions, pay attention. You’ll learn everything you need to know.” I dismissed her intensity, thinking she was just being dramatic and trying to scare me out of being in a relationship. Afterall, of course I would listen and watch. What else could I do, right? Wrong! Women don’t listen. There I said it. We don’t.

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with friends where one of us will recite what a man said and then challenge the others to decode what he means. Madness I know, but when we’re talking it all makes sense. Nine times out of ten, no matter what grouping of words come out of the man’s mouth, your best girlfried will come up with an explanation that usually equals him being afraid of his feelings for you and insisting that you stick around to show him that they two of you ultimately belong together. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve listened and even participated in these decoding operations. What does one do when a man’s actions don’t match his words? He says he likes me, but he never calls. He doesn’t actually say he loves me, but we’ve been seeing each other for two years, I can tell by the way he looks at me that he loves me. I mean why would he keep seeing me if he didn’t have real feelings for me? Sound familiar? Of course. If there is estrogen coursing through your veins you’ve had a thought somewhat close to this run through your brain at some time. Well I for one have decided to wake up. Jay Z was almost clairvoyant. If a man doesn’t give a f*ck, how could he possibly give you a “finger” or in essence his heart?

Now let me clarify something. By saying not give a f*ck, I’m not speaking about men who are cruel or abusive. I’m talking about that nice guy who you hang out with that simply won’t go the extra mile when it comes to you. If you bring up marriage, suddenly he’s nervous. If you want to talk about defining the relationship he gets antsy. If you tell him that you see the two of you being together for an eternity, he smiles at you but doesn’t respond. He may like you for the moment but in the scheme of things, he doesn’t give a f*ck. So if you were to walk out of his life today, his life wouldn’t change all that much. For example, one of my best friends is a thirty eight year old man. Today he forwarded me a text from a young woman who was irritated with the fact that he wouldn’t take her out on a formal date. When they first met, she instructed him on all the things she wanted from a man. He listened and humored her for awhile, but had no intentions of doing any of the things she asked for. He was content to stay on the ride as long as the ride was smooth and he didn’t have to put to much effort into keeping the car coasting. After a short period of dating, she realized that effort in the relationship was painfully one-sided. She wised up and her response was to fire off an angry sistergirl text telling him she was through with him, after she reminded him how sexy she was. He laughed at the text and sent it to me and we laughed together. In short, she didn’t mean anything to him other than good company on occasion. He didn’t give a f*ck.

I will admit, I’ve gotten caught up in the whole don’t give a f*ck trap myself. I once had a guy tell me that he knew I wanted to be romanced and wanted a guy that would swim the widest ocean, climb the highest mountain and under no circumstances was he going to ever do that. Instead of thanking him kindly for his time and getting the heck out of dodge I continued to date him. Why would your girl do that? Youth, estrogen the fact that he resembled a young Denzel Washington..I don’t know but the point is I stayed put. Surely he doesn’t mean that I thought. I rationalized away his intent and put my head down, intent on dating him because I liked him so much. Needless to say, that particular situation came back to haunt me, horribly. Why didn’t I listen? He didn’t give a f*ck.

Later in the song, Jay Z goes on to address some of the other women he was involved with before he married Queen Bee. He apologizes briefly and assures them that it wasn’t them it was him; he then wraps it all up by saying his new bride is the best out of them all. The second verse is just as important as the first. Just because a man may not see your worth in his life, doesn’t negate the jewel that you are. It simply means he’s not the right one for you. You don’t need to feel bad about you, or anything associated with you. Its not you. It may not necesarrily be him. Its just not the right fit. The longer you stay, the longer you delay the inevitable. He doesn’t give a f*ck.

Recently after sending another toad back to the pond, I felt a little bad about how everything played out. I had finally met a guy that embodied many of the traits I had written down on my vision board and it turned out I wasn’t the match he’d written on his. My Prince Charming candidate explained that he wasn’t interested in dating a girl that worked the type of job I do. This baffled me and my feelings were hurt because I thought he should’ve been able to see enough good in me to see past his bias against my job. Before I was able to settle into a mini pity party at the fact that one I really liked didn’t return my feelings, I prayed about it and moved on assured that this guy wasn’t the right one after all. He didn’t give a f*ck.

You see if you were to go to a luxury car dealer and take a Lexus, a BMW and a Mercedes all out for a test drive, unless you were a multi-millionaire chances are you’d have to make one choice and not leave with all three. So if I consider myself a Porsche Carerra and a man isnt into Porches, but instead is more of a Lexus man, does that make my Porche any less valuable? That would be a resounding no! Whatever the rest of the girls Jay Z dated were like didn’t matter. Back when he was dating them, he wasn’t ready so it didn’t matter. They shouldn’t compare themselves to Bee or wonder why he didn’t feel the same way about them as he does about his first lady, it just wasn’t meant to be. (no pun intended)

To wrap this all up, I want to encourage my sistas to listen more closely to what a man says. Watch with open eyes and judge his actions honestly. Don’t infuse you’re own interpretation to his words. In short listen to what he says, watch what he does. You’ll learn his intentions quickly. Most importantly if you see a man who is at the place in his life where he doesn’t give a f*ck, don’t try to wait it out or try to influence him to see you as wifey. You’re not his wifey. You’ll be waiting around untill he finds his “best thing”. If you’re lucky he may shout you out in a song later, but who wants that right? Run.

Smooches,
Christal